So much that I do not know
Being raised in a family who didn’t regularly attend church, I had no solid foundation for understanding what exactly my spirit was made of.
Dinner-time prayer, grade-school, holiday church visits with the grandparents, and a healthy upbringing encouraged my growth physically, but only gently suggested that I should ever ask the big questions.
I never remember anyone trying to tell me what I should believe, well, except for strangers.
Interesting concept, that.
If you really think about it, aren’t those people who try and tell you what you should believe the ones that you keep at arms length, or eventually push away?
Maybe we make them strangers for our own good?
Perhaps, because they are strange.
Recently, I was sitting with my teenage daughter and having a discussion about how life can get repetitive, and in-turn look boring. But I was iterating that the repetition is still just as beautiful and amazing as the first time around, because it is now essentially different. In its own time and way.
Can’t step into the same stream twice kinda thing.
I remember how boring schoolwork got when you already knew what you were doing. And I remember how hard it was to say the same things about myself when moving to a new state and meeting new friends. And I remember how hard it was to finish my nine-to-five instead of leaving mid-shift to go join the circus!
Now, as a husband and father.
I even am aware how uneasy it could be to have sex with the same partner every time I get a whim.
So, what’s changed? Besides the pharmaceutical industry?
When the second hand moves, the whole universe has shifted position and it will never return to that exact configuration in an eternity.
Every moment is original.
It is very apparent to a Gnostic.
All we must do is breathe in and be here. Feel our cells exchange, look into a Physicist’s electron microscope and watch a charged particle whir.
A husband tells his wife,
“You get more beautiful every time I look at you.”
It’s the honest truth.
But as children, both of men and humanity, we lay in the grass and look up at the stars.
In them, we see the outer reaches of our own internal explosions. Our furthest viewable memories.
And night after night they return. Unchanged.
To those fresh eyes, it is evidence that life is boring. Stuck.
Always the same.
Such a beautiful sky! But tomorrow the same.
It’s only turning round and changing position…
Sooner or later it’s gonna get boring.
This is life for us young humans. I dare to say life for the once and twice born souls of yesteryear's.
I can say that, because I am only learning.
But those souls will always eventually ask in hopes of gaining more understanding,
“What can we do to shake things up a bit?”
And the honest truth is nothing.
You can only get more lost.
But it won’t stop those from trying.
And this is where Jesus enters. To break the boredom. To pick up the sparks of the creator that have gotten lost in the shake. It’s not their fault.
God makes mistakes too… and learns… and grows.
I can say these things because I too am learning and growing. I’m still making an assumption out of myself.
Our outer truths may change.
Certainly, our inner truths are our stability.
But should we, even there, use caution?
Being immovable is to watch many things break around you, like a jut of rock in the fray.
I know nothing at all.
But, I am building a version of myself in a place far off from here. Something I can look up to. Something I can look forward to.
And it is always quite blurry.
But the point is in focusing on it so that it clears up a bit.
Once it does, I will know exactly where I am headed.
The Japanese call this their Budo, or Warrior Spirit.
Dr. Masaaki Hatsumi, Soke, likes to physically repaint the version of his Budo as it transgresses so that he can clearly see it each day on the wall.
Is that an altar? Or is it just a reminder to be a better man and remember all your passions in your growth?
I will be unafraid.
I will have built up too much momentum to even consider stopping anyway.
This is faith.
Can faith be forced?
Well, Sadghuru once said that,
“Whatever you do, you can either do it willingly or unwillingly. If you do it willingly, it will be heaven. If you do it unwillingly, it will be hell.”
Virgil was once taking Dante on a tour of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven.
They were trapped in a one-way current headed straight towards the gates of hell.
Dante sees what’s inside and asks Virgil how he can escape the coming madness and Virgil says to effect,
“The way out is through!”
I loved you when I met you. You were beautiful.
You were beautiful then and are still. So, I love you doubly now.
I love the tomorrow you even more, for there will be three of you to love, each one better than the last.
Addendum: I am most thankful for the present you, because you are here and with me now.
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That would just be weird.
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Jay Horne is an author and publisher out of Bradenton, Florida. He is a husband and father of four.
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